So, my Dad has cancer. And he had surgery. And now he has to have chemo. And I just can't bring myself to call him. Not because it's difficult or because I'm sad or because I'm feeling a litany of complex emotions (although I am). It's simply because I don't want to. I don't like talking to him, and I don't want to talk to him, whether or not he's ill. Oh, the guilt! It is like a parasite.
We didn't talk before he was ill (for the past 2 years, I'd estimate), and we don't have an emotional relationship. I grapple with the guilt of feeling responsible, and then remind myself that I have tried over, and over, and over again, and given my trust over, and over, and over again, and yet I am still here empty-handed and without a father-daughter relationship. I don't want to talk about it much more, but so many questions have arisen in the past few weeks that I've never had to deal with. What do you do when a parent that you just don't get along with gets sick? Do you have to try to get along with them now, because they're ill? Do you have to feel guilty if you don't?
The only answer I've come up with is this: you do what you have to do. First, you have to take care of yourself. Just because someone is ill doesn't mean that person is different, better, or going to become a positive part of your life, magically overnight. It doesn't mean that you have to give something of yourself that you're not willing to give, even if you're a naturally empathetic and caring person. You have to watch out for yourself, first and foremost. This is so much easier said than done. I can't stress how much easier it is to say than do. I can't.
Second, you have to forgive yourself for not having clean cut, easy-to-understand emotions about having a parent who is both estranged and ill. Talk about a complicated situation. Your emotions will be messy and cruel and kind and sad and scary and frustrating and numbing and irritating and enraging and gentle and hard. They will be all over the place, but all you can do is try to stay centered and calm. Be your own safe haven, as much as you can, and let the wild winds rage around you without trying to control them.
Third, you have to forgive yourself for whatever choices you make. You have to make certain choices. It is inevitable. But once you make those choices, you have to accept them for what they are. This doesn't mean that you can't change your mind, or apologize if you feel you've done something you feel is wrong, but don't apologize for making choices and sticking by them, either. Don't apologize for allowing yourself to be firm, or soft, or any which way in between.
This blog post was more for me than anyone else, even though I lapse into using "you," but I hope that if anyone stumbles across this and is in need of support, they find a little bit here.
3/10/12
Sunday Morning Breakfast Bagels!
I am the fucking queen of breakfast sandwiches. It is just a fact. Ignore the dirty stove because it is now sparkling clean.
Mish-Mash!
Spring is coming. We didn't have much of a winter, to be honest. It's in the 60s today and we've had the windows wide open since this morning. Fresh air is a stale, tiny apartment's worse enemy (and my best friend). Then we got the cleaning bug and have been scrubbing, dusting, organizing, vacuuming, and de-griming all day.
Anyway...
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